Venting to certain people...
2003-06-18 || 7:35 p.m.
There are a few people who I need to get things off my chest to even if they won't see it or even care to. There won't be full names to anyone of these people. Its obvius who one of the people will be though...
*J*...it drives me up tha wall how conceited you can be with urself. I don't like to be annoyed with you becuz I remember how happy you look in the pics I have of you...& other reasons but I do not like how you think that just becuz you smile & say hi that I might think you still have feelings for me. I mean how dumb is that?! Yah I'm like "OMG he SMILED at me! There's still a chance!" yah like I am that stupid. I admit that I do have feelings for you somewhat but mostly becuz I feel alone & miss the cuddling & stuff. I mean I know I can be happy with another man. I know that by f***ing now. You may think that I will always have feelings for you & that if I like someone else then it must be to make myself feel better or to make you jealous...but no sorry bud its not. I do like someone else & know he would make a better boyfriend then you & I don't like saying it but its true. Whatever...go spend all ur time with *A* like you've been doing & don't expect me at ur concerts for awhile. It just pisses me off that you don't even think I can say "hi how are you?" in an e-mail w/o thinking maybe you will write back saying you want me back. Whatever...I still have some feelings but nothing will happen with us..I hate hate hate saying that like I said but its nothing but the truth. I can't talk to you without you thinking I want you back & you don't wanna give me the wrong impression again. Its sooo confusing what you men do.
This is for someone else now. A friend. No name being mentioned becuz they know who they are. I hope you are doing well rite now since we've stopped talking. Truthfully..no lie here...I don't really see what I've done wrong this time. The last thing I wrote to you seemed to have upset you in some way or another & I don't even know what I did. So I don't blame myself for whatever it is...also when you said that the reason I got my eating disorder wuz becuz you had one first...that just totally shocked me becuz I wouldn't make myself sick & lose weight & all that just to have something in common with another person. I have my reasons like you do/did. I like you as a friend & all but I don't know...all we end up doing no matter how close we are is stop talking/fighting. I don't know anymore.
I just needed to get that off my chest to two people who I really do trully care about but need to be truthful to. I obviously don't hate them..not even close...but it bugged me alot. No point in e-mailing them cuz like they would e-mail me back...especially tha first person. God forbid HE e-mail ME.
Whatever...
More later cuz I got to go visit my sister while she's out here.