I feel nothing...
2003-06-21 || 10:34 a.m.
The last few days especially yesterday I felt like a totally different person. Someone who didnt have feelings or feel guilty or feel bad for saying the wrong things to someone. I know I feel bad but I can't tell that I do. I don't know it sounds weird but I feel no pain or anything for people lately. I want to be the old me again. I wish I hadn't said those harsh things to my best friend...I would of rather said sorry & admit that she's rite about everything but I don't feel its all my fault. Why should I critisize someone for that though?
I wish the truth wouldn't be soo damn harmful to people...but if you have feelings like she does then yes its going to fucking hurt! Especially when those words come from the one person who you've been there for the most..ur best friend! I hate having no feelings. I would rather be crying a huge huge waterfall then feeling nothing knowing that ur best friend has been totally hurt by words that came from your mouth. I mean I went to my job rite after bitching at her & I didn't even think much about what I said to her. :(
Yesterday...I felt angry at tha world & wanted certain people[not talking about my friend anymore]...to suffer through life & feel the pain that I feel lately. I just pray to god & hope that when two certain somebodys break up if they do that they have to go through the same pain everyday...suffer through life the same way I did when we broke up & miss each other dearly like I did..& wish that things can go back the way they were but know it can't. I wish them both to feel that way everyday but twice as bad. I would never wish anyone to go through physical pain EVER unless they killed someone or scarred someone for life physically or emotionally..just feel emotinal pain. I wanted to jump on top of him & beat the living crap out of him until we can't even recognize his face[yes I know its pretty sad & sick]but also I wanted to go hug him & kiss him & tell him I will always love him. I want them to feel pain like I said before but I also want them to be happy for the rest of their life. *A* after all USED to be my friend before...like if it was any of the bullies in that school I would of never ever wanted them to be happy with my ex. EVER. Fucking hoes. >:( Whatever...
I felt really pissed off & hurt by my ex lover[after HOW many months???] plus sad for the last few days but kept everything inside...I had to act happy anyway since I was at my job yesterday.
Anyway to my best friend[ex best friend?]...I know what I said would never change & I screwed up..not you. I hope you are always going to be happy in life no matter what you do. You are a trully awesome person & it wasn't rite what I did...I wish you a long & happy life doing what you want to do & a long, happy & healthy relationship with your dream guy & ur dream wedding. I wish you all the good things in life.
Luv Renee