Longest entry..EVER[I think]
2004-03-02 || 1:27 a.m.
I'm all alone in my sister's house. Just me & the cat. I have tomorrow off so I wanted to visit my sister for once instead of her coming to my house[well my OTHER sisters house but I'm living there too]. I'm just smoking a cigarette & obviously am on the internet. I'm just feeling so ugly rite now. So fat. I don't know if I am wanting to lose weight for attention or not. I just want to. I just went to a dozen pro ana websites which wuz stupid becuz now I want to go back that way again. I'm not sure if I ever wuz exactly ana/mia. Well yah I'm mia for sure cuz when I get the chance...when I'm feeling full I will purge. All of my newer friends even know about it. Is it wrong just to tell people about it? Is that just wanting attention? I miss being 95lbs. I'm about 110lbs now. I gained 15lbs. People who I haven't seen for awhile[ex Denny's co-workers]say that I gained weight & look better but I don't think I do. I get a double chin more than I did before. I can't go thru a whole day without eating cuz I feel so sick. I remeber a few years ago I fasted for 5 days. I remember when I first moved to Edmonton from Fort Saskatchewan[for the first time]in 2000...I used to stand at the kitchen counter with my food "pretending" to eat & would hide it behind the microwave until my sister went to bed & then throw it away. I could do it so easily. Now its just sooo hard. I am soo addicted to Coke[the drink]so that doesn't help either. I am not so addicted to chocolate anymore though. Which is good even though I bought a bunch today. I want to believe I am as skinny & pretty as everyone tells me but its so damn hard. I get people saying I am a attractive or that I am cute & tiny but when I see my reflection I don't believe a word of it. Plus its so hard for me NOT to purge & it doesn't help my teeth any since I smoke & drink lotsa pop too. Pop is addictive cuz of the caffiene, smoking is addictive cuz of the nicotine & purging is addictive cuz of feeling fat & wanting to feel hungry again.
I am talking to Kent[the guy in my last entry]on the phone alot & am going to see him again tomorrow. I WANT to like him & hope I get feelings for him. He reminds me of my ex too much though so its probably not a good idea. Is it?! Its been a week since I've seen him so hopefully when I see him tomorrow I will think he looks alot less like my ex than I thought. He sounds like him & kisses like him though. I'm feeling nervous but I think that may be a good thing. I hope I get attracted to him more when I start seeing him more often. But even Nicole thinks he looks like James & she's only seen James twice...
I really miss my old friends that I've had for years especially Deanna. I can't get a hold of her anymore. She's so busy I guess these days. I get e-mails from her once in awhile but when I e-mail her back she doesn't reply. I'm just wondering if she's actually getting them or not.
My birthday is coming up in 16 days & I will be 24. I feel so old! I hope it will be better than the last few birthdays I've had. I'm hopefully getting a computer soon cuz there's one ready to go at my mom & her bf's house we just need to find a way to get it. I won't call my dad to move it again becuz thats the only time we ever call him...just for favors like that.
Well I'm running out of things to say so I am outtie. I will try to write sooner than I usually do. I'm off to go to other diaries now so peace out y'all! <3 Renee-Anne