Sept 16, 2002
2002-09-16 || 1:59 p.m.
Dear Diary,
I need to forgot everything bad that I ever said about James & remember nothing but the good things...!! He seemed to of changed alot & obviously in good ways! Maybe I just took everything he did the wrong way? For some reason I didn't notice how totally sweet he was in a long time. When he doesn't take me out anywhere it's becoz he's always broke coz he pays people back, pays his bills & pays his rent. He didn't even buy a Warhammer model for as long as I remember. I don't think he wants to ask me if I want to go do something & when we need to pay ask me to pay for him too. He doesn't like taking people's money. He forgot his wallet at home when we went to Red Robin & Revy on Saturday & asked me to pay for it & then on the way to Denny's the same nite he took out money from his wallet & gave me a bunch of change & five's to pay me back & he felt bad for asking to buy the stuff with my money!
I remember everyone who got annoyed with me or called me at least one name when I cried or something. Friends, family[except my dad that I remember], staff members, kids at school...they all called me a name of some sort or got annoyed becoz they were sick of it. James never did & he said he was annoyed but becoz its hard on him to see me so sad!! He's never called me a crybaby & is mad when I tell him people do...instead he's always telling me that he hopes that I feel better & saying all these things like "There's never a reason to smile but always a reason to frown" or "pretend to be happy & you will BE happy"! He's such a happy person & is trying to make me feel better not worse & seems like the only person who does besides my friend Dee! I admit that he made me cry when I thought he was ignoring me but that was when I didn't think anything like "He needs time for hobbies & friends too!" I didn't expect to see him again until Sunday nite if even that but we're seeing each other tomorrow after my day shift! I didn't expect it at all until I called him last nite either!
I will feel sooo bad if stupid dayshift happens to tell him about last Tuesday! They're telling everyone about it & its not fair cuz if I need to talk to someone about something that personal they should let it all be up to me to go tell him. They know I'm not even going to break up with him...& they still go talk. Mostly the day hostess...she's the main one i was talking to & she's the one telling people & I like her alot & won't if she breaks up me & James. Then I woulnd't of but now I will...!! I see James as nothing but a sweet person who cares about me. How could I of been so dumb, selfish & blind!? He's the only person who didn't make fun of me when I cried which isn't my fault either...oh yahhh thats just sooo mean isnt it!?
I want people to know that my being sensitive & all that crap isn't my fault at all. People just say "you don't have to cry" & I'm like "Ummm okay I'm so sorry I have these emotional problems. I hope you get one sometime to see how hard it is not to cry. I'm going to therapy & I'm on anti depressants. I don't like crying over everything but I can't help it.
I wouldn't be like this I bet if people weren't rude in school & people would of actually told me when I do something rite. Truthfully I think I Know how my eating disorder actually got started. Not becoz people called me fat but becoz of the attention. I wouldn't of admitted it last week but that mite be the reason why. I was never anyone's favorite person, guys never liked me, I hardly had any friends, never really did anything after school so I never got any compliments. Even now do you know what I have to do to be called cute or anything like that? Snort! I'm a huge snorter & snort when I laugh, get scared[snuck up on], tickled, almost bump into someone or almost any other time...!! And it makes people laugh. Even when I burp...!! So now even to be complimented I have to make rude disgusting noises...how sad is that!? But thats what my friends & boyfriend do. They compliment me & call me pretty & stuff...! But that wasn't until I got this stupid eating disorder...I am as skinny as people say I am becoz of starving & puking. But yah i love getting complimented when I do & people telling me I'm skinny made me feel happier even if I never believe them.
Another person who made me feel happy by complimenting me is one of the guys in the group Blue...I'm sure I've mentioned this alot already though haven't I!? But yah...Duncan James when he just told me I had a nice smile when he didn't have to! I'm still sooo glad he said that!
People at my job are always telling me if I didn't clean this properly or do that properly & never telling me if they like how I'm doing. Thats probably why I have all these problems...not just the Denny's crew but the school kids too! And my family when they say things & my friends when they do.
But...yah. I love James more than anything rite now & can't think negatively anymore...! He's a sweetie & I can't lose him...!! I love you James!!!