I still need to lose weight...
2002-03-20 || 7:45 p.m.
People tell me I dont have an eating disorder but if thats true then I think I have most of one Im not sure if it would be more anorexia or bulimia though. I think bulimia becoz the doctor at least said I had more bulimia then anorexia that day & then tells my cousellor I dont have an eating disorder! I have the symptoms...DUH. And i still feel like I need to lose the fricking pounds dammit! I just feel fat allll over! And you know how I feel fat all the time & then I am always buying chocolate, chips & pop? Well I think now that its becoz Ive been soooo addicted to it[sugar & fat]from all the younger years Ive loved food...that I cant help wanting pop & chocolate & its so divine!! =( I also want to go back to being vegetarian again...perhaps vegan[no meat OR milk products even]since I am lactose intolerant[an excuse for no milk or anything]! Ive went through a few months without pop before...same with being vegetarian. If I can do all that again I can probably lose weight better. Especially without the chocolate & crap...thats what I hate about Easter & other holidays. Im happy becoz I didnt get any birthday cake for my birthday so thats a good thing for someone who wants to lose weight! And Im not "trying" to get a full eating disorder & I am not trying to get attention...I still feel the same way I did before they told me that I didnt have the eating disorder so its not like I was going back to normal & as soon as they said that I wanted to starve/purge again. Well even people who never talked to me about it before are talking to me about my eating problem becoz Ray[James roommate]asked me yesterday "Did you eat today?" & I asked if James asked him to ask me & he said no hes just wondering. Then he went back to the kitchen...it was weird. Also when I do eat...you would notice something is wrong becoz I pick at the food & it takes so long for even half of the plate to be gone.
So far today...the only food was some chocolate from yesterday & long noodle soup[not gone yet]& crackers[not gone yet either]& my last can of Coke[hopefully]. So hopefully I will keep being that way...I dont want to feel this way but I do so I just need to find an actual EATING DISORDER doctor that will help me NO MATTER WHAT...