Bad news about Jessica plus I want to recover!
2003-02-14 || 3:47 a.m.
I don't know what to say. I've been so upset today...nothing really to do with my weight really. Well maybe about 10% of it IF that. Its more Jessica wise. I went to see her today & she's not looking like she's going to make it much longer. She's really pale, can hardly keep her eyes open plus her mom was crying & they were praying around her with a minister. Her mom also said it didn't look good. I told her mom that I had to go & she said okay & I said I would come back tomorrow & she told Jess that I am coming to say "goodbye" tomorrow. That didn't sound too good. It probably means she won't be around by Saturday. But I'm bringing her a Valentines Day card not that she can really read it since she's so weak. :( Not good at all. Its so depressing how people so young have to get sick like that.
Eating disorder wise...I didn't do too good today. Everything that went in me I purged. Even the healthier food like fish, rice & peas that Lance made got purged, then a pack of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups & a bag of Lays chips. Why can't I force myself to keep things down anymore & why does it have to get easier for me to starve myself. I don't want to be like this anymore & don't want to have people watch me to make sure I don't go puke. They shouldn't fucking need too! I am sometimes scared to die & us ana/mias do know that we will eventually die from this...it will suck to look better but be lightheaded & tired all the time too. I want to be like I was when I was younger. I was depressed for the longest time but I would rather just be depressed like that then eating disordered too becoz I don't want to piss people off & lose them... plus don't want to hurt them by killing myself slowly. =( Why can't I like myself the way I am??? I hate lying to my sisters about my ED. They don't even think i have one still that much. When Keri knows I am on ED diaries...she thinks I am now "trying" to get one. Why can't my eyes & brain be the same as everyone else who says I am thin?! I want to be totally recovered but thats probably something only I can do myself & if I really want it bad enough then I should do something about it...& not just "eat" becoz we all know that it doesnt work that way. We can't all just "eat, keep it down & recover". The non ED people just don't get it at all. They don't know what we are thinking or feeling when we are around food or hear about it. They have no rite to say that we should just eat. God I hate how seeing skinny girls all over the place in real life & TV can be sooo triggering! I hate being triggered so easily into getting worse about my weight! I should be happy that I am at least normal & not overweight in my BMI. Being normal is supposed to be a good thing even though we all like to be better than average! God i hate the media & everything for making it seem like being average is boring & not even giving overweight people good attention by at least putting pics of them in clothes magazines & stuff! =(
Ohh & seeing couples cuddling on the buses & stuff just puts me in more pain by reminding me about doing that with James. I miss him soo much now & I cried on the bus thinking of Jessica, James & my weight & feel like being skinnyer would change everything in a good way! I would feel more attractive that way...but then the Jessica part it wouldn't change becoz me losing weight won't bring her back when she dies. Its soo sad & I wish she could get better.
But yah enough psycho babbling from me. I will tell you how it goes tomorrow nite with it being V-Day & seeing James again after not seeing him since the nite I met Andrea again...