My bulimia seems to be getting worse
2002-06-04 || 9:20 p.m.
None of you can imagine how easy it is for me to be depressed & feel alone. I can be all happy happy one minute & rite when someone says something or does something I break down & cry. I would be totally shocked if I found someone that was more sensitive than me coz I'm like Queen Sensitivity or Miss SensitiveGal or something. It sucks its annoying but thats me for you.
Rite now I'm scared,....really scared. I feel my bulimia's getting worse & worse. Now I have blood in my puke[I told you that already]& I feel dizzy & lightheaded after every puke session. Truthfully bulimia's scarier to me than anorexia is becoz since you puke more in bulimia you have a better chance on choking on your vomit if it's not soft enough[*sorry about talking gross]. When James left to go to band practice I bought Cornchips, Bugles, Reeses Peice, Clodhoppers & Wunderbar Eggs left from Easter & I went upstairs to his bathroom to stuff my fat face with as much junkfood as I could, threw it all up & threw the rest of the food away & let me tell you all its quite a waste to do that!! I will never do that again coz thats $13 down the toilet...literally plus I feel guilty doing it in my bfs apartment even if he doesn't know.
You know what I think?! I'm not only eating disordered becoz I think I'm fat but also becoz I hate myself & don't feel the need to be alive. I've done alot of bad things in my life & have been boring & never do anything with my life & I'm fricking 22! I can't do alot of the things the average 22 year old should...!!! Pathetic dumbass that is me :(
My bf complimented me today though...he said that I remind him of Willow from Buffy! My looks & also the way I am...somehow..! I love that he said that but am confused becoz I'm nothing like her. She's pretty, thin, kewl, goes out alot & shes just plain awesome...& I'm not!! But I'll take the compliment & cherish it even if he's insulting her!! But he might of also dissed me. We were at Southgate mall today & we were sitting on these benches outside while he smoked & school was out so these school kids were walking by. I must of been looking at one of the girls in someway coz James asked what? I said "I wish I could be as skinny as her...but...I won't go there" he's like "I've never seen a thinner girl than you" & then says "Before maybe but not now" then I asked if I was fat to him when we first met & he's like "No you lost alot of weight..a dangerously amount of weight when I met you" which obviously means he says I was fat before[he says he saw pics]. Would you be hurt by that?
Well I got to go. Grrr Denny's in a few hours...dish washing...yay I can't wait to get out of this hellhole. Let it be school or full time hostessing...which ever comes first...Ill take it!!!