Falling for my friend *sigh*
2004-10-01 || 12:44 p.m.
**sigh** Having feelings for your "fuck buddy" really sucks. I think I am falling for Carl. I think I have been every since I noticed I had feelings for him. But I am too scared to tell him my "true" feelings him. It will scare him off. But I really really like him. And when he tells me how awesome of a friend I am I just want to tell him I think of him as MORE than a friend. I mean dont get me wrong...I get to kiss him & make out with him & stuff but just the thought of him sleeping with other girls or whatever...or even just flirting with other girls or checking them out. It makes me think "He probably wants to be 'friends' with one of them but only gets me" I swear that I wish I havent even slept with him. DAMMIT. Ive been doing this with him for the last 3 months at least. Thats NOT including when we FIRST started doing this & only saw each other on Tuesday nites & when he never called. Ever since he started calling weve been hanging out & talking on the phone & everything. I do admit there ARE some annoying things about him like the money thing & how he used to flirt with my friend[who was fuck buddies with him first]& then when she left he would hit on me[this was after they stopped talking]. But when I look at him..5'11, short blonde hair, blue eyes, little bit of stubble....I feel butterflies in my tummy & want to tell him how I trully feel. I should just do that. But then I will scare him off like my friend did. Grrrr has anyone else been through something like this before?? GRRR. You know what? Maybe I should just flirt with other guys[hey a hot guy comes into Brewsters sometimes & flirts with me :)]or something...hey he does it with other girls so why shouldnt I do that with other guys?? He even got offered a 6 hour blow job from this one girl at the bar but he turned it down. Only cuz he says she was ugly. He said he would of done it if she was hot. Dammit! Thats MY job to suck that cock of his!! Hes MY fuck buddy...but then I am not his GIRLFRIEND so I cant say he cant do it. Im not like that. *sighh* hes so hot & sweet & when I am in his arms I feel so happy... :) Him & his friend Damon want me to do a table dance for them one day & I think I am going to. Hey they both think I am hot so why not? I dont have to worry about them calling me fat or ugly cuz they dont think I am! Would I be like a slut or anything? I feel like I slowly am starting to become one besides that I dont sleep with a bunch of guys in a week or at the same time. Thats just NASTY.
ANYWAY...I am doing soo much better in college then I did in high school...I got 100% on an exam & I already had 85% to begin with! Its only in my no-credit computer class though. I have an English exam today. Its a reading comprehension exam & I hope I do okay. I seemed to do okay on the practice ones at least.
Ummmm what else?? Nothing much else to say. Just that I already miss Carl & dont know what to do about my feelings for him. All i can say is that if anything happened to him[went missing or died]I would be in the mental hospital.