Dont hate yourself or your body...dont be like me...EDs arent fun.
2002-04-09 || 1:09 p.m.
Growling stomach...feeling full...sore throat...dizziness...fainting...sleeping more than half the day...being weak...counting calories in everything...teeth falling out...brittle bones...obsessed with a scale...being depressed over food...people constantly telling you to eat...the joys of an eating disorder.
For everyone who wants an eating disorder...please stay the way you are. You mite think that this is the best way to lose weight but truthfully...its not. I go through everything I said above...EVRYTHING. Im not just naming bad things about eating disorders...I am naming what happened to ME becoz of my eating disorder. And im not even seriously ill yet. i want you all to not do what I did & starve yourself or make yourself puke. Its not worth it. Its not fun. I admit that I like how I am losing weight coz I am about 98 pounds now & that was a few days ago when I checked last. I hate wanting to be so skinny but I have the disease now even if the doctors say I dont. I HAVE it. They just dont want to help me thats all. We have pretty lousy doctors these days...I tried to committ suicide a few times in 1999[Im sure I mentioned it before]& the doctors just kept sending me home saying "dont do it again" & that was it. No one cared to help me get OUT of my depression...just like no one cares to help me with my ED. I need to find a doc just for EDS only. But...yah please dont do this to yourself. LOVE yourself instead. Ive been told that people love women with meat on their bones & not with their ribs sticking out. For now...its too late for me to believe it coz I hate my body with a passion now & will not believe when people say I am skinny. Not even my boyfriend which is sad coz I know he cares for me alot these days & last nite he said that he cant sleep coz I know I didnt eat for days. He wanted to take me out to a resterant at fricking 3 in the morning just to get food in me! How sweet is that!? I swear James has changed alot & the worst thing I have to say about him is his bloody Warhammer talk & something else I wont mention here anymore but I loved what he got me for my birthday & he pays alot more attention to me these days. Im so happy & hope to get over this SOON! So please love yourself & believe what people who count say. Believe when people tell you your beautiful & everything. Dont believe the stupid strangers who pass you in the street, old kids from school or anything like that. Thats one reason i am like this. So many people hurt my feelings in school & I guess I still beleived it especially from not having a boyfriend until now! Guys didnt like me in that way & I am soooo glad I found James even if he hurt me before. Now the only thing I dont like about being with him is becoz the things he did & my love for him made me & Deanna not friends anymore. I cared too much about him even if he hurt me & I kept complaining about him...but yah dont kill yourselfs slowly like I am. And pray with me that I find a doctor that can help me. I dont want to live the rest of my life fighting with people about food & make them watch me turn into a stick & still think I am fat. It wont be cool :( So please dont make my mistake...love yourself & your body no matter what. People shouldnt love you for your body or your looks...they should love you for you. I still need to believe this too but until I get help...I wont. I have to much of Ana & Mia in me rite now. My stomach is growling sooo badly rite now. And yes I am in the mood for anything rite now especially chocolate[my #1 weakness], chips & pizza. But I will regret it...I hate food with a passion coz of what it does. I dont want to hate anything. I want to be like alot of others & know how food is important but to me its not needed coz it seems it only makes you fat. I am so screwed in the head rite now. Dont be though. Dont be like me or anyone else who has this disease. Dont "want" the disease. I almost feel like I want it becoz its making me lose the weight. I feel like if its the way to lose then I will do it. I need help...I really need the help. Please dont be like me. =(