Why in the world did God keep me on this earth?!
2001-05-19 || 1:22 p.m.
I am at my moms house again right now but this time my sister came with me since we have the same shifts & all. It is always cloudy & cold when we are here which sucks!! I saw where that cop shot himself in front of the IGA...there wasnt any marks or stains or anything but I knew around where it happened. Even my moms boyfriends nine year old daughter told me what happened & for some reason I didnt think that she would know about that!!
What else?! The last few days at my job have been so busy & frustrating. On Thursday for half of the day I was in a depressed mood becoz of reasons. I even got upset there too & do you know how embarassing it was for me to do that!? I mean I am 21 years old[the legal drinking age in USA]& I cry at my job...& THIS WASNT THE FIRST TIME EITHER!!!! I see everyone else talking & being all happy & then theres me. I am one of the people in the world that think they have to be perfect to be liked...which means I dont think I can make mistakes without people getting mad or laughing. I dont want to feel that way but I do & its not my fault! Whatever...! I also am sick of feeling blue almost everyday & getting upset for the dumbest reasons & I am sick of that & Ive never done anything in my life & Ive never made anyone happy before so sometimes I dont feel like living anymore. =( Sad but yet so true! Sometimes I wish I was that cop that shot himself. I wish I had the guts to do that to myself. I wouldnt be dumb to do in right in front of alot of peopel though! I would do it in the middle of nowhere where no one would see me. The worst that would happen is that someone would find me laying dead in the grass or the bushes or the river or wherveer but not see my brains & blood all over the sidewalk & have to have that image of me in their dreams & in their heads all the time. I am not like that. I wish that I would that God would of took me away when I tried to overdose on those pills a few years ago. But nope for some reason God kept me here...alive & suffering from being depressed & anorexic or whatever...& I still dont know what that reason is. But there must be a reason if he lets me live & then takes kids & other innocent people away. Whenever I see a cemetary I wish my gravestone was in there....but that time will hopefully come soon becoz I dont want to live anymore becoz Ive done nothing & I am so sick of feeling the same way every day & every night & being unloved & feeling fat & feeling ugly & being so quiet. God knows what people say about me when I am not around. James probably even talks about me behind my back. =( Well I got to go before I talk anymore gibberish talk. I need to know why God kept me here...I really need to know!!!