I can't sleep...I'm going nuts!!
2003-02-04 || 11:35 a.m.
This Andrea/James thing is bothering me way more than I thought. I couldn't sleep much last nite, I'm feeling nervous & shaky & I'm depressed. I guess I still love the guy alot more than I thought & seeing the two together made me feel pain inside. I just hope someday I will be totally out of these feelings for him & be ready to find someone else. But rite now...no I'm not ready. Not like I thought I was. But I'm really still happy for the two of them & hope they stay together for along time. I'm not going to be one of the psycho obsessed ex girlfriends that go around & do anything & everything to get her ex bf to dump his new gf & go back to her[the ex]! No not quite. I still am his friend & want him to have all the happiness in the world...same with Andrea! I just know that if I ever find out that he's been spoiling her rotten & surprising her alot & calling her all the time...ladida...I will be hurting inside. He seems to be with her all the time he can these days but thats how it started with me. He was always calling me, asking me to get off early[Denny's]& asking me to come over. DON'T FORGET: This was when we FIRST STARTED DATING..like the first month or two?
God I just hope I find someone who will put up with my eating disordered crap, my crying & depression problems...I've been getting compliments lately from people so I think that if I really am pretty to people...my problems would be the thing that stops me from getting a boyfriend.
I can't the image of them kissing out of my head! Yah it was a peck but it was my ex who I obviously still have feelings for kissing another girl! It so fucking hurts! God I wish that it was a different Andrea only becoz then i probably wouldn't of had to see that.
I e-mailed him last nite telling him how I felt about last nite & that it would be better if I stayed away for awhile. I told him we could still e-mail each other & talk at Denny's but thats the most I can do rite now. I'm still waiting for him to e-mail me back. I'm always going to be there for him 100% if not more..he's still a friend who I trully care for & want to be happy no matter what it takes. All I know is that Valentines Day is going to be depressing for me...but why? Its just another day. I know...its becoz I'm worried that he'll surprise her with all these flowers & chocolates & stuff & for me last year he didn't get me anything & said he didn't celebrate it.
But YAH...I'm going to stop bitching now & find something else to do...I know...SLEEP! I'm very very tired...I had a very bad nite...**sigh**