Why can't I ever be happy!? Just once?
2001-07-17 || 2:05 a.m.
It is 2 am rite now & I should probably go to bed but I don't feel like it rite now. i have to clean the house becoz its pretty gross...me & my sis are total slobs. I cleaned the kitchen today since i wasn't doing anything so it looks kewl...my cat keeps pooping & peeing in different spotz in the house..everywhere except the LITTER BOX which is pissing us off becoz the house reekz & we are sick of cleaning it up everyday.
Anywho I've been kind of depressed lately for no reason. I keep remembering all the bad thingz that happen & how I have these problemz & how unhappy my friend is. Why can't we ever be happy!? No one lets us be happy EVER. We get all the bad luck while other bitchez get everything! It isn't fair how alot of people get everything & others get plain fucking shit!!
I am so sick of crying & throwing up my food which I haven't done in a while but still...! I still feel like it alot. I hate being sad...it makes me hungry & then I throw up my food & I feel worse...! Why can't I ever fucking be happy!? What did I do so wrong!? I can think of alot thingz I did wrong actually but I am not saying any of them!! Especially this one I can never change no matter what & I hope I fucking die painfully one day coz of it becoz it was so bad what I did!! I wish I would feel the same pain!! I hate myself for it even if it was yearz ago...! What I did made me hate myself 10 timez more than I ever did! Want to know what I did!? Too fucking bad I won't even tell people I fully trust...NO ONE!!! I cry alot remembering what I did. I won't mention it anymore tho...
I am sorry for all the swearing but I had to get it all out. I hate how I don't get ANYTHING I want...I know I do not sound conceited or whiny like how a rich snob would be like if she didn't get one little thing she wanted when she has alot of other thingz she wants...I don't get ANYTHING AT ALL that I want! If I almost get something I want...I lose it just like that!!!
PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY ONE TIME!!!!!!!!!!