I'm sorry Ana & Mia...but I kind of hate you both!
2002-10-18 || 12:33 p.m.
I've been writing alot about my eating disorder in here but I don't think I've told you my weight & all that yet. I'm trusting y'all not to to e-mail me, sign my guestbook or write my notes anything about how fat I must be, how stupid I am to tell you guys or anything like that. I want compliments & anything positive ONLY.
BMI~19.9
Height~5'-5-1
Weight~a fat 105 lbs!
Highest Weight~120lbs *shudders*
Lowest Weight~95lbs
Goal Weight~ At least 90 lbs rite now if not lower
Longest fast~4-5 days
One of my greatest fears: Being reeally obese!
As you all know...I'm not happy being eating disordered. I don't think people who are pro-ana/mia are stupid or anything...you guys can think what you want...I just feel like people would love being around me alot more when I'm recovered from it. My boyfriend would be soo much happier not hearing the words "I'm so fat" or asking "Did you eat today?" & hearing a NO. When I was younger I loved food. I loved being full. It didn't bother me one bit. If I was in the mood for something I would go buy it if I had the money & that was that! I never worried about my weight much then. Yes I was teased in school alot but I never thought of trying to lose weight. I got depressed & stuff but never eating disordered. I'm sick of being in the mood for something fattening or sugary..heck even healthy & then worry about the calories in it!!! It frustrates me just as much as my friends[the ones I DO have}, family & co-workers!! I hate seeing everyone eat & say how much "They want food now!" & then theres me. "I'm not hungry" & being picky about the menu in resterants. People will try to get me to order something like salad[I never did like being in front of people with food...ever..unless it was finger food]or something besides fries or mozza sticks...but nope...I always want the mozza sticks, chicken strips, onion rings, fries or any DEEP FRIED CRAP like that!!! *OINK OINK OINK*....!!!
I don't like to be happier after getting RID of the food in my stomach. I would rather be happier knowing the food is inside me especially after hours or days without it...I would rather be happy coz I know that the food will keep me alive! I would rather be someone who could tell another ana/mia to "EAT" becoz its not healthy to starve yourself...I was there once. I know a few people who had one but don't now & told me that. I can't ever tell someone to eat now becoz I don't do it myself!! I hate food...no matter how healthy, how fattening, how gross, how divine or how it looks...I hate food & want to stop hating it! I want to love it without pretending to & I hate how addictive shoving your finger down your throat until your stomach acid & food comes up & HURTS your fricking throat by doing it!!! I HATE feeling fat 24/7! I hate talking about it all the time...I can't ever NOT talk about it seems...like NOW. I'm fricking writing about it!! People are never going to want to be around me. If I stop this disorder..I fear gaining weight & be revolting to everyone & get "Mooo"ed at or whatever...then being disordered people don't want to be around me becoz I talk to much about it, supposedly get too skinny & whine alot so it annoys people..I don't know what to do!
ANYWAY...I finally made an appointment for the eating disorder doctor in the University Hospital but its not until November 26th!! Sooo faaar awaaaay!!! But still...I guess a month isn't too bad rite!? I still know I'm getting help sometime soon! I want the help but am too scared to gain weight. I will never be happy..I hate that too!