How much my sister really cares!!
2002-01-12 || 5:13 p.m.
Dennys...James house...home...Dennys...James house...home...thats usually where I am becoz I have no fricking life! I havent been in the internet mood lately so thats why i didnt write in here since who knows how long!? I even stopped e-mailing my friend for a week & for that I think she thinks I was ignoring her & I feel so bad but I e-mailed her a few days ago & i told her I
missed her so I hope she believes me!! I didnt know what to say in here so it took me longer to write in here!
Well...everythings been the same with James here...nothing better happened or nothing worse...hes still obsessed with his little game & I still hate it with a passion, we still only went as far as I told you before, we still never went on a real date, he still never bought me anything ya di da...the only thing that changed is that people stopped asking how were doing as much as they used to which I am glad about...
My anorexia is getting worse I think. My scale says I weigh like 95-96 lbs, I am puking more & getting upset if I cant[like if nothing happens when I try to purge], I am getting frustrated with the people who try to get me to eat & I am feeling more suicidal & depressed lately. I am kind of happy that I am finally losing weight again becoz before the scale kept saying I was 100 lbs & I still felt fat from that so losing weight makes me happy but sad too becoz it means that my starving is working & i am starting to get what I want...losing weight & slowly dying. I honestly don't care if I ever die but i try to remember all the people that do care coz yes quite frankly there are people who care out there!! So i am going to try to get better...not for me but for THEM! I dont want to be a stubborn little bitch no more!
I did something I never ever do today..when my sister came in for her morning shift i put my arms around her & HUGGED her! If you knew us both you would think that is weird too! I did it becoz I think that of all people i know...she cares about me the most I havent done anything back to her to say thank you to her...shes been living with me for my WHOLE life & I admit that Ive done sooo many things to her...called her names, smacked her around, told her I wished she died & other things I wont say...I was & still can be the biggest bitch to her...& she was the one who took & still takes care of me...when I am depressed & when I am alone[she doesnt want me to be alone when I am sad]. She wants me to go everywhere with her which can be annoying sometimes but also at least it means she wants to be around me still! She hardly ever fights back when I call her names or hit her...she was one of the reasons why I am still alive rite now...I cant think of how many times I tried to overdose, slit my wrists, run away or anything like that! Shes the one who noticed that something was wrong with me when I was drugged up...the day I almost died...! So I finally got the nerve to hug her becoz of all that & I love hugging & always said that my sisters would be the only people I would feel weird to hug lol! I even hugged Dan before her! Hes been the biggest asshole to me when I was living with him...& still I hugged him before my sister!! What a bitch I am for that!! =( But yeah shes probably the person who never ever stopped caring & yes I admit that shes called me names back once in awhile, told me to leave...blah blah but only becoz shes frustrated becoz of me never wanting to eat & always saying rude things to her...its going to be the hardest on any of us when the other one dies becoz weve probably been around each other waaaay more than anybody else!! So when she dies & I am still writing in this diary...I will probably write in here once to tell you about it & then you will never hear from me again...or maybe you wont hear from me again & I wont tell you what happened or anything becoz I will be too devastated!
I soooo hope that I die...I still feel like I am worthless & a big fat bitch but then like i said people actually do care & I should think of other peopel besidez me & remember YES they DO care!!!
Well I got to go now...I will try to write in here more than I have been lately...