When I almost died from suciide
2002-07-28 || 8:17 p.m.
I've had this diary for over a year now & I'm sure I've mentioned alot of times that I attempted suicide & came soooo close to dying...didn't I? But I don't think I ever said exactly what happened. I'm not doing it for attention or anything of the like..I'm actually doing it for anyone & everyone who thought about suicide or tried it or know someone else who died of it or tried it but survived..
I was 19 when I did it. I think it was around May 7 '99 or something like that. I was depressed for awhile still then & ended up going on pills for awhile. They worked really well at first but I think it was the Columbine High School tradegy that somehow made everythign worse...I've never been 100% sure why I tried it that day of all days but I did. Me, Keri, mom & her boyfriend[Dan] I believe we could call him were living in this house in Fort Saskatchewan & I remember the day I first took them that I got to see the "I Want It That Way" Backstreet Boys video for the first time & Dan came in & asked me to help with something outside. I told him the video was on & that I would be out after. I was all giddy when the video was on coz I love those guys to peices especially then I did & after it was over I somehow remembered that Dan's small black bag with pills in it was by the couch & i was the only one in the house. I went through the bag & found these very small orange ones... "A few of these little orange pills can kill you..." I remembered Dan saying a few days ago so little old me took about four of them or maybe five. It took a few days for them to really kick in but the first few were definitely noticiable. My sister thought i was faking it for attention & was telling me to "stop it already". Little did she know that I was actually not doing it on purpose. My voice was slurry & I was acting a bit different. It was the one day when things almost got bad for the family. I remember being half awake & stagerring into the living room & said that I wanted a slurpee from 7-11 & it was like early in the morning. I fell on the floor then got back up & went back to my room & went back & forth for some unknown reason...no one will ever know & that isn't really that important is it? My sister was telling me I couldn't walk at all & I said I could & I would "prove" it by going down the basement stairs & back up again surprisingly making it both ways. Then I went back to my room & fell asleep.
The next thing I knew I was sitting in a chair in the kitchen & there were doctors & Dan, Keri & mom around me. I was getting put in a stretcher & they took me to the hospital...I ended up staying there for a week with an IV in me for half the time. I hated that thing becoz everytime I moved it would pull me back or something so from then on[& still now]they called it "My friend"! I got so many people coming to see me, so many presents & everything & I couldn't believe so many people cared.
They told me quite a few things that happened that I don't remember...like me yelling at one of the nurses & telling her to leave & that I wouldn't wake up for awhile when they first noticed how seriously poisoned I was & if I was there for any longer or if I would of took anymore pills then I did that I wouldn't be here rite now.
I can't believe that I could of put my family & friends through soo much pain but its the way alot of people feel & I believe that its not being selfish...its the way you feel & you don't want to feel the pain you are feeling anymore. Coz I for one didn't want to hurt anyone, I know Chris didn't want to hurt anyone & its stupid for people to be mad at anyone who thinks that way. Still I remember the pain I will put people through to make myself want to live...& quite frankly still thats the only reason why I would want to be alive still. Death seems so peaceful & you don't have to worry about being hurt anymore or hurting others[of course you did when you killed yourself]...but I'm not talking like that anymore. I'm sure I'll get a few rude e-mails or guestbook entries or notes about this...one or two at least.
One thing I know though is that I tried the same thing like four more times & let me tell you...don't bother especially if you are doing it for the attention...it will just piss peple off & I didn't even do it for attention & they started caring less & less....!!!