Actually...
2002-03-06 || 8:25 p.m.
I probably complained alot about all the bullying rude people in the world & that they are the reasons suicide & eating disorders happen. I probably complain alot about that almost as much as I talk about my bf...well not really but I do alot. But...I also know that these people may be part of the reason why people starve themselves or whatever they want to do...but its not like they put a gun to your head & say "Starve yourself!" Like for me anyway...I am just too gullible & believe the wrong people. I believe the what the negative mean people in school & the ones that I will probably only see one time in my life think of me. Like if one of my friends or my boyfriend calls me pretty then I will be happy around them but then once I am away from them & someone says something ruude then I go back to being depressed & being called ugly. I didnt think that I would ever think I am ugly after the one guy from Dennys I like liked me back in that way. I was wrong. I still cry & cant look in the mirror becoz of it. Becoz all my life I was stupid enough to listen to those fricking school kids who werent even the best looking either! I mean the guys were nasty man! Especially the main guy in Fort Saskatchewan Elementary Brendon Mikkelson...was he ever ugly!! Too bad I couldnt say that then to his face. But its so sad that I cant even listen to the people that matter the most to me. Like my friends, family & boyfriend. Yah my boyfriend mite be a pain in the ass who never takes me anywhere, buys me anything & is obsessed over a lousy game...but...he at least thinks i am pretty, wants to help me with my problems & no matter how much I whine about my looks he seems to want to stay with me & not dump me for it so theres some things good about him! And the people @ Dennys...they never have anything bad to say about me to my face anyway...I am sure they have bad things to say behind my back though becoz they talk about everyone behind their back!
On Tuesday March 12 I am going to the University of Alberta with my counsellor Sandi to talk to someone about my eating disorder. After fainting yesterday I really want to keep this appointment this time. I also hope they can help me with my depression & help me not be so negative all the time & be able to say no more & yell @ people when i need to. Hmmm I wonder how long ago I would of broke up with James if I could speak my mind to him? I hate people being mad at me so thats why I cant tell them if they are pissing me off or not. I also want to be able to stop crying all the time. Over everything. Even when I am talking about something that made me cry last week makes me cry. Its pathetic.
If I can talk more & speak my mind more I would make more friends & I would know which people like me becoz they do or becoz I do everything for them & dont get mad. My boyfriend does so much that makes me mad enough to complain to my sister or whoever but not to his face. Like say for his game...when I am with him I will say I dont mind him playing it & that its kewl that its something he likes & that he can talk about to people but when I am away from him I will whine that he plays his game to much! See I am being a hyprocrite just becoz I am too chicken to speak my mind to him...I need to stop that.
Well I could say more but I need to go do my hair & stuff coz I need to go freeze my butt off really soon...joy the lousy dishes in a pathetic resterant called Dennys...awaits me. What a wonderful feeling that is. I need a new job. *sigh*