I'm way to negative...plus more James talk
2001-11-29 || 1:13 a.m.
I'm sick of mood swings. I'm sick of rudeness. I'm sick of my problems. I'm sick of broken promises. I'm sick of Warhammer. I'm sick of alot of things rite now. I just want one day when nothing ever goes wrong...nothing. I will always remember that day & wish for it to happen again & again & again but there's no such thing as a perfect day for anyone...especailly girls like me. All the time I am always sad or something & always missing someone or wishing someone would go away or wishing the time would go by faster coz its boring or something like that. I'm so negative about my boyfriend & I'm always comparing him to Lance. Like I will say what Lance does that is better than James & will wish that James could be more like that. Like I will wish that James said the sweet things Lance says to Keri, I will wish that James gave me things too like how Lance does to Keri[jacket, mitts & stuff]& like how I did to James, I will wish that James tried to help me more with my problems like how Lance does to Keri but nope the guys are both total opposite & why is Lance so much nicer? Coz he's gay. If he wasn't gay he wouldnt be so much nicer. James usually just notices me when I touch him first & hes always getting me to massage his hand or his foot or his back or something & does he do it to me? Nope. *Ow the back of my leg hurts* Anywho...sometimes I don't know if we will be together much longer & I am scared about that. I really care about James still & want to buy him teddy bears & stuff & spoil him rotten but would rather wait til he does something back to me. We've been dating for almost two months[2 on Dec 3 or 4]& never really went out. Well once to his bands concert & once on Halloween but that doesn't count...I mean just us two like to a movie or something.
Awww I love hearing his sweet voice on the phone. I called him from Denny's today & he wasn't home so I asked Ray to get James to call when he was home & he called like 10 minz before I was off & everytime the phone rang I would go see if it was him & the manager was laughing becoz of how I was all smiling but I can't help it becoz I for sure care about him but don't know exactly if he cares about me as much. I'm pretty sure that most of the time we're not together & I'm thinking about him & wanting to be with him...he's just playing his precious game & not even remembering about me. Its just my luck.
Anywho yesterday[Tues]I was in a happier mood. I am starting not to think I'm that fat anymore & trying not to throw up my food & I remembered people who helped the most which were Lance for talking to me those times, my sister for always nagging & stuff & James for saying I was sexy & stuff & I hope he means it. See? I'm being sooo negative again!! I got to stop that!! But I can't help it its all I think about! =( I was listening to all these CDs & singing & stuff & I loved being happier but then today I was back to my older moods...thinking about James & stuff...hoping he would want to stay with me. I am going to talk to him tomorrow when I see him. I was hoping that he would want to see me tonite not stupid tomorrow!! Dammit!
Did I ever mention Raj before? He's one of the late nite S.As who should of made me a swing hostess for coming back & he's probably like 30 or 40 but doesn't look like it besides his greying hair. He's scary looking & hardly ever stops smiling & walks sooooooo sloooooowllllllyyyyyy lol...!! But he follows you around & stands sooo close. He tries to be funny, I laugh but don't mean it. He's always touching my shoulders & blah it annoys me! Thats my James job to do that!! Aww if I ever break up with that guy I swear I'm going to be depressed as hell. People say there is plenty of fish in the sea but I don't care becoz I want that fish!! I wouldn't want to be with any other guy for awhile after breaking up with James. I would always be thinking of him like even when I first started liking him & everything he started doing like all the hugs & stuff he ever gave me & things he said. I liked him from the first time I saw him & never gave up on him & never moved on. I went through totally being in love with him to wondering if he's worth drooling over to telling my sister what happened with him that day or nite to going out with him & our first kiss & everything...it would be too depressing just to be with someone else just like that...I couldn't do it! I may sound obsessed but I don't mean to..I just care about him so much & hope that everything gets better. =( James will probably always be #1 in my heart but that also depends on what he does to me...we will never break up coz of something I did to him becoz I lurve that guy so much & wouldn't cheat on him or hurt him so it would be something he did that breaks us up.
Well thats enough complaining for today coz I am kind of tired. I should think positive about him becoz negativity sucks & only makes you sad & depressed & everyone knows that thats not good nope nope!