More sappiness about *J*...hey its been a few days & theres not much dissing!
2003-03-07 || 2:32 a.m.
Okay since I haven't written about *J* in a few days I thought it would be okay 4 me 2 now. Nothing bad @ all though...no whining about how I feel about his girlfriend even tho I feel the same way as usual about HER..not him. I actually like him still. I was listening 2 his bands CD 2day & looking @ their picture in the CD sleeve thingy...it made me sad again. I remember that when that picture was being taken he was my boyfriend & was probably thinking of me...well maybe. Who knows? And "Blade" was on & it brought back memories. Not bad ones just ones of our first date. =( *sigh* I miss him sooo much & seeing that movie reminded me so much of him becoz this is the first time Ive watched it since then & now I am watching it w/o him knowing he is probably w/ *A* instead of me & cuddling w/ her & stuff. Sigh whatever I will hopefully find someone...I still have a feeling he changed becoz of her but I am probably just being jealous of her becoz I still have feelings for *J* & she has him now. I had a dream when they were broken up & we werent dating but kind of getting "close" but no that will only happen in my dreams. I feel like I lost everything when it didnt have 2 happen. If I would of TRIED 2 get into things I "thought was boring" like Warhammer maybe I would of gotten hooked & then that would b something we could do 2gether...or if I would of tried listening 2 more music than pop. Thats one of the reasons why I am trying 2 get more into different thingz. Becoz I need 2 do more than the things I do & becoz I dont want to lose anyone else becoz we dont have anything in common...I mean the more I like doing the more things in common w/ someone. Its weird that *J* is w/ *A* now & went through all that depression & crying & wallowing becoz we broke up over something like that even if its better than breaking up becoz of cheating or falling out of love!
Anywho...I will probably be adding new songs & stuff in here sometime about how I am feeling. I want to be able 2 write my feelings in songs or poems especially if I am sad, mad or in love w/ someone.
Hmmm what else can my boring lil brain think of????? My eating probs aren't really changed yet...I kept vegetables & dry mini wheats down. Surprisingly..!! I wonder if ppl actually read my diary? Probably not cuz I never get e-mails about it, never got new notes for the longest time & no one is signing my guestbook anymore..actually the last person TO sign it was someone who seems to b anti-ED...since they DID tell me 2 "EAT SOME FUCKING FOOD" which I e-mailed them & gave them shit 4 it 4 telling me what 2 do!! I am NOT taking that shit no mo! I am not going 2 live my life doing whatever ppl tell me...that I can atleast stop doing if not the rest of the crap I have. BTW does it get annoying when I write words w/ letters like this?: I WANT "2 B" NORMAL AGAIN!
If so sorry but its habit now & I will try 2 remember 2 stop it if u ASK ME NICELY!! :) But..yah..I am going 2 leave now since this was probably a useless crap anyway...!