Rite now I'm happy...but not TOTALLY happy...
2002-04-06 || 8:00 a.m.
Snow. One of my worst enemies rite now. You know we can do sooo awesome without it? Well besides helping the farmers crops & whatever but we have rain for that coz its Spring dammit! Its April for crying out loud why does it keep snowing here? We have a sucky spring so far! Well whatever hopefully soon it will go & fricking LEAVE until next winter! I bought a bike yesterday so I can save money from taking cabs & so i wont have to waste anytime waiting for the bus if I have anywhere close enough to ride my bike on coz I probably wont ride my bike downtown or especially somewhere like Kingsway...well maybe if I have tonz of time I will...!!
I had the longest talk with Lance in soooo long yesterday morning....! He asked how I was feeling coz Ive been sick the last few days & I said mostly tired & then he asked me to sit with him before he started his shift & we talked about my doctor, eating disorders, one of our annoying managers & other things like that...it was pretty kewl & I dont know why I didnt like being around him the last few months...hes not a bad person @ all! He is just someone who speaks his mind no matter how rude it is...!
I feel happy these days becoz I feel more cared about than usual, I can joke around with people more than usual, everything is awesome with James & I dunno...Im just happy! It could also be the pills[anti depressants]too! I am not 100% happy becoz I still feel bad for Dee coz I wasnt there for her like she was for me...like she would always be telling me things I can do about James when he was a bastard & always saying the sweetest things & shes been through alot & I didnt know what to do & I tried e-mailing her a few times but she didnt write back. But like i said before its my fault...also my eating disorder...I hate it. I hate food. I hate liking food...coz no matter how serious of an eating disorder you have you still like food in one way or another...like everyone has favorite food...i dont think that there are people who things every kind of food is gross so technically even us eating disordered people like it & thats what I hate! If someone has free food like chicken strips or mozza sticks from Dennys that they messed up on made too much of & asks if I want them I will take it & then its all gone in seconds practically, I feel fat & get the urge to throw it up! If I would stop making myself go too hungry then I wouldnt binge...!! I hate how my fat ass is! Grrr...!! So that & Dee are the only reasons I am not happy but besides that I am happy. But like I said I am not totally happy coz what kind of person is totally happy knowing what they did to a friend who thought they were a friend?
Well I got to go. I will maybe write more about my boring life later on....