Painful...very painful memories coming back to me again...
2002-04-22 || 8:35 p.m.
For the last two days...I've had very painful memories in my head. Ones I'd like to forget but keep thinking about all the time. Something that I can never change in my life no matter what I do or say. I will never forgive myself for what I have done. This was five years ago & it haunts me still knowing what happened. No one knows about this except for my family. NO ONE. And I'm not going to tell anyone else becoz it will just hurt me even more & it makes me cry alot sometimes. I'm scared that one day this mite happen again. Its one of my worst fears & I'm so fricking scared that it mite happen again. If it does or almost does than I swear I'm going to have to committ suicide. But it won't be painless, it won't be quick it will be slow & painful so that I feel the pain in every single inch of my body & I lay there screaming & wishing it would stop but it won't for hours or more. Thats how bad this memory is. I just wish it would go away & I can rewind time to that day in 1997 & make it so it didn't happen. Everything was normal. But I can't. I have to learn that. "Me..what you did can't be changed so deal with it & don't do it again...OR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR ASS!!" Okay...I'm done with my psycho babble coz i'm about to cry, see ya all later.