I passed out today...
2002-03-05 || 11:23 a.m.
I am at James house rite now. I feel so sick. Something happened to me at about 8:45am today. I couldnt sleep anymore & I had to pee so I went to the bathroom of course but I was feeling like puking the whole time. I started feeling worse after & my head was feeling weird. I could feel my heart beating hard & fast all over my fricking body. I went back to James room...very slowly & was standing in the middle of his room feeling very dizzy. I kind of remember falling but only knew I passed out becoz I heard James calling my name & was laying in the middle of his floor. Then I remember what happened. I really need to get help for my anorexia/bulimia...but I didnt think I was bad enough to pass out becoz I dont really throw up & stuff much these days. But I know thats what it was. So at about 9 James took me out coz he wanted to find me food[yay but he cares rite?]but i didnt know what I wanted so he said for now a power bar would be fine & he would find me something else later. But I am really scared...I mean really scared...I dont really want to die as much as i may say I do. i have friends, I have a boyfriend & i have family that I want to be alive to see longer. There is so much i want to do that I didnt get to yet like live without any family members, buy a car, go to Florida, find a real job & maybe even get married...if not to James then to someone. i dont think James will want to get married anyway. But i need the help & its sad that I really want to do it..after I actually pass out. I knew I had this eating disorder for a long time & I pick now to really worry about it. Rite after I faint. Sad aint it? =( Well I got to go. I called my psychologist but she didnt answer so i left her a message on her machine & am waiting for her to call me back. Hopefully soon she will. I also want to see my friend Deanna alot more than usual coz i miss her alot & shes the best! =) I dont want my feeling fat to take any of this away from me...