I dont know what to say...
2001-04-12 || 9:53 p.m.
Okay...I lied I still have a "thing" for James...! =) I talked to him better last night. I told him sorry for being embarassed & that I would of blushed if I told him in person & he was like "Go ahead & blush" or something & smiled. Then we talked about the smoking thing & he said I should quit & I AM becoz the same thing that happened to me at home when I was shaking & almost fell happened there too. I was coughing & had to go to the bathroom for a minute & then when i came out James was gone & I went to the front to do my job & he was sitting with his coat on & asked if I was okay & I told him yeah & that I was really shaky & hes like "You almost fainted twice & fell once. You should quit" & I took four more out of the pack I bought & then I gave the rest of the pack to Mike. NO MORE SMOKING FOR ME!!! Its probably bad to smoke when your anorexic anyway right? I have the urge to smoke but I will stop THAT before it turns worse like my anorexia! I told my sister I smoked & she was so pissed off!! Shes annoying but she cares. She wants to take me to the hospital tomorrow but we will see...whatever...! I Hope tonight goes better with James tonight even if I will only see him at the end of his shift...! Hey one of the servers went home sick last night so maybe she will be gone tomorrow & James will be in! He said bye to me too yesterday!! =)
Awww all I could think about was how Lance was doing plus my friend. I wanted to know how Lance was doing about his friends death & how my friend was feeling. Lance came in today & he seemed fine =) He asked "Did you eat?" today too & then my sister went in later on & she & Lance were talking about me....AGAIN *rolls eyes* & she told Lance i smoke..Im like GOD stop telling him everything about me already!!! I was really mad & we fought for awhile. My sister made me long noodle soup[becoz I wouldnt make any coz I dont want anything]& I am feeling the urge to throw up...!
I think...I will go to the hospital tomorrow & tell them as much as i dont want to. I want to keep my friends, I want to keep my family & I want to keep my job so I have to be alive to do that....I just dont want to gain more weight thats all. But I want everything to be normal again & for people to talk about more than just me & my problems!!!
I have to leave in a few minutes & I hope I talk to James again!! =) I cant wait until Sunday night when I can talk to him better...no one better switch with him!! I will be MAD!!