My feelings are stronger for him...!
2001-08-09 || 8:21 p.m.
People always say that there are "plenty of fish in the sea" & that one day you will find that fish. Yes I sumtimes believe it too but lately Ive only had feelings for one guy. No one else matters when I see them. All I want is one guy but I know I have to move on becoz I cant have everything I want. I dont mean to sound obsessed but whenever I see him...I like him even more!! Its annoying coz I know he probably doesnt like me in that way even though sometimes it seems like he does coz of the way he talks to me & the way he looks at me. When he talks to me...he somehow sounds different then when he talks to other girls. His voice sounds softer or something & Im not sure why. Also I keep seeing him just standing there watching. I wish I could just go up to him & say "I have feelings for you!" but if I do that...I might lose a friend & I will feel so embarassed. I dont want to hurt my friend who likes him but then its not my fault how i feel now is it? I wish that I could help feeling this way but I cant. It so sucks!!
You know what would be hard for me? Say he did ask her out & they were a couple for a few months so they were going steady. Since I am friends with her then I become better friends with him. Say he asks me to do something & we end up going to his apartment after. Nothing like that just as two friends hanging out. Well what if he just ended up kissing me? I will probably always have feelings for him so I would probably want to kiss him back. Do I becoz this is my chance or do I not becoz its my FRIENDS boyfriend? I think B would be the better answer but since I have strong feelings for the guy then I dont know what I would pick! Yeah I sound like a rude friend by saying that but if you were me...you would probably be feeling the same way that I am rite now. This is the first guy I liked in that way for a long time besides like famous people. Its sad I know very sad but yes indeed its true. I liked guys in like school sometimes but thats about it. I would not know if I would say no about kissing him or if I would let him kiss me. But I dont have to worry about that becoz I dont even know if he likes her in that way.
I feel like I am starting to like him even more than normal becoz when he left yesterday I almost felt like crying...almost like that would be the last time I see him or something...pretty sad once again if you ask me. Arrrgghhh thats why I want him to do something to make me not like him anymore. Like snap at me or call me names or something! Well no not the name calling part but the snapping thing will piss me off & make me not like him but knowing me I will forgive him as soon as he talks to me again! Thats me for you...plus its HIM & if I am like that with other people I will definitely be like that with him too...!
Well maybe one day I will get the nerve to tell him how I feel & see if he feels the same way. I just wish I didnt have to tell half of the others that I liked him. That would of been better. Maybe he likes me or maybe he doesnt...I will find out soon I hope. If I get the guts to tell him....