I'm feeling sooo bad these days...!!
2002-07-29 || 5:40 p.m.
Does anyone else ever feel fine one minute & then the next second you are all crying your eyes out & wanting to slit your wrists rite then & there?! For no reason at all...!? That happened to me last nite actually & I have no idea what made it happen. I don't know if it was anything to do with Chris or my eating disorder or feeling uncared for...it just happened rite out of the blue. I don't even know anymore...I don't even know if I'm not really doing it for the attention anymore...coz I feel like its not but then I have no clue why it happens so could that be it? I feel all the time like I want to jump off a bridge or find the sharpest knife in the world & slit mmy wrists...or do something painless like taking pills or sitting in the back of a car with the engine running all nite....but I feel like life is not worth it & it happens alot these days. I am making a doc appointment so I can get over everything already becoz its starting to make me forget how my family & friends will be when I'm gone...& just care that I'm not suffering anymore from whatever...but I am not like that at all...I care how everyone feels... I was with my boyfriend last nite & I acted this way rite in front of him. I don't want to make him lose his girlfriend this way...or my family lose their daughter, sister, niece or granddaughter or cousin that way or my friends lose their friend for whatever it is....I'm not selfish or anything & will never be but when I'm feeling this way...all I think about is "ending my life".
I seen how bad Chris's family & friends & even co-workers were but I'm still not calling him selfish...but I would feel that way though....!!
But if you ever out of the blue feel this way please please e-mail me or write in my guestbook anything you want to say okay!?
I feel sad that James wouldn't really do anything with me last nite about it but I guess its becoz he doesn't know what to do or what to say or how to help. I just wanted to leave the house for awhile & wanted him to go with me..hoping he'd bring it up becoz I needed someone to go with me becoz I felt so suicidal & would probably end up wanting to run in front of a speeding car[midnite to 1 am-I think drunks would be out then]or jump off the bridge close by his house. He told me to go out & get air & that he would be there when I got back but I really wanted him to go...so I just said it "I want you to go with me becoz I don't feel like going by myself in case I try something" & he's all "Doh...uhhh" like he didn't want to go anywhere so I'm like "But if you want to you don't have to..." feeling hurt inside of course...I won't deny that. But do you think he didn't know what to do to help or that he just didn't care to help???
I know my friends would always be there for me about this though especially Deanna who I haven't talked to for awhile now...!! I'm going to try to be there more for her too...!!! She's awesome!! =) I know she would actually be there for me no matter what but then I'm probably being a little too rude about James coz like I said he probably doesn't know how to help...??
I'm doing better now but feeling a tad bad rite now...