James mite not be in love with me no more... =*(
2001-11-18 || 7:54 p.m.
Its my moms birthday today...I couldn't go see her though becoz I thought I had to take someones shift tonite but I didn't so I am going tomorrow...! She is 48 now.
Did I tell you about our new cat? I think the last thing I told you was about Lucky rite? That he mite be dead or that someone mite of found him? Well no he's actually...dead. The cat they found was definitely not ours so we are just assuming the dead one is...he was found on our street after all so of course its probably him. Our new cat is a cutie but we don't have a name for her yet! She's so tiny & cute & has these pretty blue eyes I think she's going to grow up floofy becoz she's pretty floofy already.
I don't have much time to see James these days but i did see him for like two nites in a row or maybe three..like two nites & three days or something coz I went to his house on Wednesday nite then did a shift with him on Thurs then went back to his house & then Friday shift & then no never mind that would mean I did like three days & three nites with him but whatever who cares?! Sheesh its pretty sad that I have to count how many days I had with him on a diary!! Well anywho...it isn't too great with him these days. He seems so different these days...always into his games more than his own girlfriend & fuck..he didn't even see me for about a week before we saw each other & I had to fucking sit beside him or talk to him or something before he would say anything most of the time. He's such a Warhammer freak & truthfully I don't even know why people like that stupid game so much! Its a stupid boring game & its all you find all over his apartment! Like little toys from the game & magazines...go in his bathroom & you'll find more magazines in there too! He can't go anywhere without his game can he? Not even the bathroom for 10 or 15 mins or whatever...but I'm sure that any girl he's ever dated he can probably live without seeing for awhile but not his game! I'm sorry but this is the only time I can let everything out coz i am not going to say it in the house by myself, I'm not going to complain to my sis or family & I am not going to complain to him coz I couldn't do that!
We made out alot Wednesday nite which is both good & bad. Good becoz I like doing things like that with him coz it means he likes me in that way too[or so I think...]but bad becoz thats mostly WHEN he noticed me...so I don't know if that was good or bad? Then he hardly did much the other times...grrrr..I hate being pissed off at him or annoyed about him becoz I can't stay mad too long coz then I see him & I'm like "How can I be mad at him?" Anywho as I was saying...he didn't say anything to me much or touch me in a way a girlfriend & boyfriend do & on Friday nite I was pissed off & I was all upset in the bed while he was snoring away & I couldn't look at him much becoz of how I was worried that he mite not like me as much anymore...then on Sat it was a bit better at first but by the end of the shift I was upset about his ignoring thing again & I couldn't look at him at all without feeling tears or anything & I was going to go see him but instead went to the girls bathroom to cry my little eyes out liek a little baby =*( *waah* he never talks to me or anything & its worrying me becoz I still care about him so much even though I am complainig about him alot...I am just mad that this mite be happening & I don't want to get hurt by it becoz I really like being with him & remembering the kewl things he did when we were dating..like taking me to the hospital the nite I got the migraine or taking me to his parents house on Thanksgiving so I owuldn't be alone...won't make me happy but it will make me sad instead.
I am getting him a few Christmas presents this year & so far I already got him the first "Lord of the Rings" book becoz i know he really wants to see it & i hope that if he doesn't like me in that way anymore he waits until after Christmas to say it becoz then Christmas is going to depress me even more...! I will remember that at the end of Nov/beginning of Dec or whatever that James told me he didn't like me anymore in that way...but if he doesn't like me & he wants to tell me before it I will still maybe give him the book or if not I will throw the book away or something becoz it will just remind me of my first true love or whatever you want to call it. If he is seeing other girls behind my back...then fine if I find out I will hopefully not care about him enough to cry when I break up with him becoz like people say I can find someone better somewhere. But if he wants to have sex with me still but doesn't like me in that way then he fucking better like stay with me for at least a month later before saying goodbye becoz I will know he was using me for sex if we break up sooner. And if anyone found out he did that...well he will have to have a little talk with most of the other co workers...most of htem would be on my side anyway...