Bad mistake...
2003-01-08 || 12:04 p.m.
Last nite I called James. Bad mistake. I haven't talked to him since December 23 & missed talking to him so I called him at the Sherwood Park Dennys. I felt like I could talk to him w/o crying which was true. I did talk to him with no crying but after I hung up the phone.... I think its mostly just becoz we haven't heard from each other in so long & he didn't seem to happy or anything to finally hear from me. I mean goddamnit we were datting for a year & he knew he was my first & still he doesn't even seem to know how much I cared about him or how much I still do care. I wish I didn't call him. I ended up sleeping on the couch downstairs last nite becoz I was crying hard like last time & didn't want to be yelled at again. I made myself stop crying by being positive & thinking he didn't sound excited becoz he was hiding it from me & didn't want me to know he was happy...like maybe he still has those feelings & everything but didn't want me to know he was as happy as he really was. I hope he still cares for me becoz why would someone stop caring for someone they were with for a year becoz they didn't have anything in common!? Thats just bull.
Thursday will be my fourth day tanning & i hope I look alot better once I am noticably tanned. I need to make more friends & get more of a life dammit!! I wish I had a friend like my sister does. Lance does everything for her & I'm jealous of her becoz I would like to find someone who would never ever yell at me no matter what. People seem to treat me differently then others. Like one of the managers...she will be talking & laughing with the other employees non stop & then she seems kind of bitchy with me these days. I don't bloody get people...but whatever. I guess.
If James wants to ever go out with me again then woohoo for me but if not then I will be happy to be his friend..! But I wish he would try harder at being my friend then he is. At least I tried calling him a few times since Christmas...& one time he didn't even return my calls when I left a message. I wish I knew if he was mad or what. DAMMIT!!