Whats wrong with me?!?!
2001-04-09 || 1:09 a.m.
What is wrong with me?!?! I am different then I used to be. A few days ago at my job I got this huge urge to smoke like i said before I believe. Then I ended up buying my own pack! I remember saying to my sister "Whats the point of sucking on a stick looking thing?" in other words whats so great about smoking?! I especially should know its bad for you. On my break last night I smoked like three or four & Phil was like "Ur smoking them like joints!" & I know believe he was right. Why am I doing everything I know is wrong? Plus I am still making myself throw up. Today was scary becoz my sister was gone & I still had some smokes left. So I wanted one & then it made me cough & I felt very dizzy or something was wrong like that & I had to hang on to the wall to keep myself from falling & I started shaking all over I was like "What the hell?" And I was sleeping most of the day today & not becoz of my job either. Then my sis came home from her friends & shes all "Whats wrong with you?" Becoz she says I was pale & I couldnt walk properly. She wants to take me to the hospital tomorrow. I was fighting with her but know shes not being mean about it. Why do I do things I know i shouldnt?? Sigh...she says i might have to stay for a few days but we will see...
I feel so bad becoz my friend is sad & I didnt even bother to e-mail her back...it seems all I care about is James! I think about him all the time & I never felt this way with someone I know before! I keep thinking of him putting his arm arounf me that day plus when he was like "I really like your hair like that!" But my friend is sad & I feel so bad for not e-mailing her anymore. Shes so sweet & deserves to be happy. I should be thinking of my friends more before cute guys!!! My job has made me talk to my friends less & its dumb. Its almost like I am saying "I have a job now...I dont NEED friends" or something but really I am not. I will go on the net more nowadays. I miss my friends especially the one who is sad right now. Shes alwayz been there for me & I should be the same for her. =)
On Tuesday I will be the only Server Assistant on & I am nervous about that. Just as long as its not a weekend when they do that!! Then I will be happy...
Well I got to go. I am worried about everything & sad too. I hope my friend is okay & I hope that i wont have to stay in the hospital too long if I do. Of course that is 100% MY fault...so I should do something about it...!